Tentang Keberanian

Beberapa hari ini saya sedang terobsesi dengan satu seri novel. Salah satu tema besarnya yang sangat mengena adalah tentang keberanian. Ada satu paragraf di akhir seri yang saya baca,

"There are so many ways to be brave in this world. Sometimes bravery involves laying down your life for something bigger than yourself, or for someone else. Sometimes it involves giving up everything you have ever known, or everyone you have ever loved, for the sake of something greater.

But sometimes it doesn't.

 Sometimes it is nothing more than gritting your teeth through pain, and the work of every day, the slow work toward a better life."

 (Chapter Fifty-Six, Allegiant)

 

Terkadang saya memandang keberanian sebagai sesuatu yang terlalu mewah. Grand. Out of reach. Hanya dicapai oleh orang super, yang sudah berhasil menaklukkan hal-hal besar. Titel berani hanya dikhususkan bagi mereka dan tidak semua orang bisa dipanggil berani. Lalu saya menemukan paragraf ini. Dan bisa jadi penulisnya benar.

Keberanian, sepertinya, tidak harus selalu berarti mengambil langkah spektakuler. Sepertinya, tidak harus dengan menjumpai hal-hal heroik. Terkadang menjalankan rutinitas pun memerlukan keberanian. Dan ketika kita berhasil, bahkan diri kita sendiri tidak mengakui. Menyepelekan. Lalu kecewa karena merasa tidak ada yang bisa dibanggakan. Terkadang kita gagal merekognisi kemampuan kita sendiri. Undervalueing ourselves. Lalu lupa untuk bersyukur.

Atau mungkin kita terlalu sibuk memikirkan bagaimana cara menjadi berani. Tapi saya suatu hari menemukan kutipan prinsip hidup Nelson Mandela.

"Courage is not the absence of fear. And that is how he would describe courage: pretending to be brave. Fearlessness is stupidity. Courage is not letting the fear defeat you."

Bahwa untuk mengatasi ketakutan, tidak diperlukan keberanian yang absolut. Karena ketakutan itu manusiawi. Karena bukan manusia kalau tidak punya rasa takut. Karena ketakutan yang sering kali merasionalkan keputusan. Dan berpura-pura menjadi berani adalah bentuk keberanian. 

Which is the most memorable day you have ever had?

So,
I got a random question on my ask.fm account and figure out that it is better to answer it here.
Here it goes the question,
Which is the most memorable day you have ever had?

Okay, so I have been really wanting to write about this since God knows when. 

I am sorry, it seems to be a super long story. But, I dedicate this story to each of my friends. You, each of you, are huge blessing Allah has ever sent me. May God bless you.

I would prefer to describe it as the most memorable week in my entire life so far. It happened nearly three years ago when I was about to leave for Kuala Lumpur for the first time. I just finished my first ever college exam the week before and had only another week to pack everything up (and say goodbyes). Those days were super hectic with going from one shop to another, getting this and that, visiting the aunts and uncles, and what not.

It was on Monday, January 2, when (I dare say) my oldest friends came to visit. Five of us met in elementary school when we were at second(?) grade, but finally had to go to different high schools after that. It was very hard for us to meet up full-team (it really is still up until now) although we constantly contacted each other. The times when we finally met up, we could spend (literally) the whole day talking at a restaurant, since it's first open until the other chairs were taken on the tables. So when they came altogether, to my place, bringing a pack of spaghetti for us to cook together was really a surprise :')

I seriously am always hard to surprise, but apparently not at the time. Later on that day, a high school friend of mine said she was coming to return my book. I said she could come anytime because I would be at home the whole day. And she did come, with my six other beloved friends and seniors :" 

They are the most beautiful and good-hearted women whom I am blessed enough to be friends with. We met in our school Islamic organization and, again, it's really hard to see them after graduation. I might meet them separately for ice cream treats once in a while, but hardly altogether. We were busy keeping up with uni life, and had them all coming on that day was more than I had ever expected.

The next day, it was my friends from communication studies. They are always the loveliest people to start university life with. We got close as soon as we finished orientation week. And they gave me a beautiful scrap book with lots of our pictures and notes in it. I could not thank God more :')

We had planned to go for studio photo on Wednesday, I and my (so called) high school best-partners-and-friends at the same time. So I was just dressed up while texting them whether it was still on. But apparently they had some stuff to do after, so we cancelled it. It was okay, although I was a bit disappointed (no, honestly, I was sad for that). I would say that they were the friends I would really need to spend time with before flying off.

Out of nowhere, there were knocks on my door and it was them, five of them - together. I was like, how could you all came at the same time? They just laughed. We ended up talking about whatever we wanted to talk about for the rest of the evening, as we usually do every time. We laughed at each other, threw jokes, and talked about those times when we were still running our school organization, solving things up even when we had no clue. Oh, the best part was when they sang to me, with a guitar. Seriously, I cried, it was beautiful, I couldn't describe. I guess the most beautiful surprise comes when we don't expect. I would still tear up whenever I remember that moment :')

Friday was the last two days before I flew for Jakarta and then Kuala Lumpur. So I didn't want to go out and spent as much time at home. My mom asked me to get some cookies or chips, just in case that my other friends would come since they had been coming this past week. And I was like, never mind, it's only four of my junior high school friends coming today. I didn't think I had that many-many friends, and plus, my high school class-mates had promised to accompany me going to the airport. But she insisted, so I went.

And true enough, that day was pretty chaotic (I mean, in a good way). My junior high school friends had said they were coming the other day, so I thought I would only spent time with them. And it was fun and crazy as it always is. Until I heard rumbles of motorcycles, stopping right in front of my house. I forgot how many there were, but they surely fitted more than ten people. My whole high school class mates (the whole bunch of at least fifteen people) came, with an advanced 18th birthday cake and celebration. What? That was more than a surprise :"

So, while I was awkwardly introducing my junior high school friends to them and catching up on what was actually happening, there were other rambles. And yes, they were my batch from communication studies, fourteen of them. So, technically there were more than thirty people flooding up my house at the time. I was starting to get speechless, I didn't get what's happening. I was just so shocked and surprised and flattered and mostly touched at the same time.

I would say 95% of them were presents ;D

Honestly, I never knew how much I was loved before that day. There was always the insecurity that my friends  don't actually care about me as much as I do about them. There was always thoughts that continuously said, I have to be ready to lose them after some time. Because people move on with their lives, it's natural to forget. But that week, especially that day, it was a big blessing. I finally realized how much I was loved, and that's enough. That's enough to make my insecurity invalid :')

It's been almost three years since then. I still have gifts and presents they gave me. They (gifts and presents) were the ultimate things that helped me during the hardest-first-two-weeks-of-home-sickness, they really did. I still save them as reminders, how much I was (and am, still) loved. And I just realized, the thing that made me freaking happy and crying like a baby minutes before I flew was not a mere fact that I got a freaking-full-scholarship-abroad. It was a simple reality that my beloved friends were standing there, at the airport, taking turns to hug me, handing me handmade scrapbooks and pop-ups of us. I never knew they care about me, apparently way more than I do about them. It was overwhelmingly beautiful, I can never forget :')

Friends, wherever you are, I can never thank you more. You, each of you, are a huge blessing Allah has ever sent me. May God always bless you all. May we keep loving each other for Him.

MALEFICENT

Well, if you are expecting a movie review, I should tell you upfront that this isn't one. This post is an ordinary result of me being me, thinking things over and over-thinking of things, after watching such a great movie like Maleficent.

Movies are taken from parts the world's stories which therefore we, as one of the living creatures in the planet, can relate to. They go with very basic issues like needs, greed, hatred, love, and affection. But I don't know whether the world does go crazier lately, or it is just never as simple. Our screens also no longer portray specific characters to divide evils and angels. They start to introduce us to these words called revenge as well as remorse.

I love the fact that on those big screens they start to show how the world actually plays. First, there won't be neither an complete evil nor a perfect holy-angel. There is no such thing as absolute division between bad and good guys. Being very human, each of us has a reason for being, or being called, one of both. A reason. It was like a wake up call for me when I watched this movie. We often forget those things. Those story-line behind the most essential question, "Why does somebody do it?"

Why do I love? Why do you hate? Why does he stop talking to his dad like a shameless ungrateful son? Why does she keep seeing her spoiled boyfriend like a stupid last resort? Most of the time we only hear one side of the story and overlook the other. It brings me to my second point, putting a foot on the other person's shoe. I know that we all know it very well, but the fact is only few know how to do. Or perhaps we know how, but sometimes we forget the proper way of doing it. I like it when this movie depicts the untold story of a famous fairy tale that, all this while, we always believe is an absolute truth. The witch cursed the Sleeping Beauty because of envy and she slept for hundred years. In fact it goes the other way around, upside down. For me, it is like an analogy of revelations I often get after sparing some ears listening to stories from another point of view. Revelations, epiphany. It turns down our judgement, widens our vision: that each of us has stories and they're worth to be listened to.

Yes, people have reasons. Yes, people have stories. But, it still doesn't make a criminal free of charge. Yet it also doesn't close the door of regret for that person. Basically, people can change, isn't it? We understand it well, but sometimes it's easier to deny. I personally do deny, a lot. I like the fact that this movie-makers make it clear to very young people through such story. By the time they have grown up, they should see each other from what they do today, not yesterday and not even tomorrow. They should only hate someone's wrongdoings, but not the person himself or herself. They should expect that the witch will have some remorse at the end of the day. And the king must have hurt somebody at the very beginning before getting that revenge-curse. Not like us. Not like us who was surprised of how drastic a change could happen in somebody like Maleficent. Not like us who will never see the king in the Sleeping Beauty the same way again, no more a complete wise and loving father, because he never was.

Each of us has stories, most of them are untold. And most of them are what create us to be this person today. Sometimes we, ourselves, have too many stories to catch up with until we forget that other people do too. Sometimes we love our shoes too much as they have fit our toe-line perfectly until we reject to try other people's shoes, see how comfortable or even painful they are. Sometimes our minds process each stories too  much until we forget that stories continue as long as the writer still there, they could have shocking twist of plot too. Well, me being me, thinking things over and over-thinking of things; Maleficent reminds me to those, a lot.

P.S. picture is taken from http://www.hdwallpapers.in/angelina_jolie_maleficent-wallpapers.html

Introverts: the misunderstood (?) - (1)

Recently, I bumped into some videos and articles that talked about introversion, the act of being an introvert. I have never thought that it is something way more complicated than people might think it is. Introverts, the misunderstood. This, I guess, will be series of my posts about how people might think about us, introverts, and how we might always assume that people out there think the same way as we do.

Don’t live in somebody else’s life! That’s exactly what everyone says. In fact, introverts always will. We live in other people’s world. We exist in the world where extroverts become the majority, lucky them. A talkative, outgoing, and cheerful personality has become a standard mainstream which, at the same time, perceive a quiet and not-so-outgoing person as something weird or, at least, not common. We are living in the world where people are pushed to share and express their feelings by the existence of social media. Something that extroverts love to do, but it’s actually not our thing. We made those accounts for the sake of having it, unless we want people call us nerdieee!

Introverts, the misunderstood. People might think we, introverts, are shy. That is just because we prefer to shut our mouth rather than standing up to debate people. We don’t complain when our milk-tea should have Oreo crumbs instead of pearls. Most of people might not know that there are so many things going through our heads at that point of time. “When I say A, they will defend with B; I have my counter-arguments, but she will get hurt, and he seems to get sick of this and just want to get this done quick. Better I don’t say anything; better not to argue; pearls are still edible.” That is what exactly in my mind every single time it happens.

We, introverts, often think too far. Apparently, it seems like a pessimistic way of thinking. We have too many buts. Every single detail appear to pop up whenever a big picture come out from our brains. It’s bad, for some reasons because we don’t welcome best possibilities that may come in between our plans. But, sometimes, we need to be as realistic as we can, right? And introverts offer that point of view. See! I use the word but again!

All this while I always think that everybody in this world have this constant conversation in their minds. It’s like having a radio-tape 24/7 played with two DJs arguing about what song they should play next or what ad they should’ve aired first. I once read a quote, I totally forgot who wrote it, that basically question about how can people survive without writing down their thoughts? I definitely agreed as I always had the same question. Apparently, not all people have constant inner-conversation flooding up their mind and waiting to get pulled out. Apparently, it’s just us, the introverts.

Introverts are quiet, full stop. I bet that's what people would always think about us. It’s true in a sense that we don’t like to talk a lot. It’s tiring, seriously. It drains our energy. But, I guess the case will be totally different when we meet our significant others, or a close friends, or even a small group of friends once in a while. Introverts are actually able to talk hours and hours, perhaps even from mid-day until the café is about to close (Well, it happens to me often, at least). We can be as fussy and loud and talkative as extroverts are. The big difference is we prefer to do that for deep-intimate conversations. 

We value deep more than small talks, which aren't what most people have in most conversations; that’s why we prefer to shut out mouth up most of the time. It’s not that we hate small talks, no, not at all. We just have nothing to comment on, really, we simply avoid corny jokes we could possibly make (because we think too much whether this joke would be corny, if it wouldn't, whether it was appropriate. By the time we knew it was, they have changed the topic. Well, never mind then!). We just don’t like to get involved in somebody else’s drama (because knowing the story is considered as an involvement for us) unless they allow us to do so. It’s not that we don’t care, really, we do listen to such stories, no worries. But, to listen is the best thing we could do.

(It’s not done yet, there are lots more complicated stuff going through my mind. Well… this is, I guess, to be continued…)

2014: Worry, why should I care?

I don't know if it is just me, but reaching twenties doesn't seem so easy. I start to over-think about many things: life, love, future. The society spins around and ask the same exact question, what do you want to be? When these two lips about to answer, my brain stops them with another difficult question, how do you make it come true? I begin to spend some time before sleeping, mind wide awake while the body is tired to death. Those little neurons in my heads are now expert in wandering around every night, thinking about I don't even know what and keeping me away from good sleeps. I have to sleep with light switched off, afraid being intimidated by its flare in the dark. Well, I don't know if it is just me, but it really happens recently. Since last year, to be exact.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be a welcoming new year posts everyone always has on the first day of the year. But, I can't blame myself for making it too late to be true. I was still (and will always be) in my exam period on new year's eve and just finished it by the end of January. Right after that, I went back home and holiday is just too tempting to be missed by staring at my laptop every day. And this is it, my super duper late first post of the year.

Like I said before, 2013 was a very bumpy ride. Being twenty was one thing, and unfortunately acting as a twenty-years-old-so-called-adult in difficult situations was other thing. If I were a driver, I must had been an amateur who got a mission to climb up a mountain with my truck. It was exciting at first, until you realize you are yet to get used to a never-ending winding road. Not to mention the air pressure difference that often made your ears sound like bees. Not to say that the small roads were not taken care of, rocky, and full of holes. It made me sick. It made me sick until I felt like vomiting. Finally in 2013, I learned about self-arrogance, lack of preparation, too high expectation, betrayal (ups... that's a strong word), and lonesome. Well, I did have lots of fun though. I traveled, I went out a lot with friends, I got to buy what I want to buy. But, maybe reaching twenties makes me forget the goods easier and worry more. Maybe.

By the very end of 2013, as I always did during exam period, I got obsessed with this guy named John Mayer who happened to sing The Age of Worry. He's famous apparently (and I blame myself for not being a fan of him since long time ago). It is an old song, really, and I swear to God I've listened to that song before. It was just that I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics. It became something when I realized the fact that I listened to the song again, at the right time and in the right mood. I felt like, well... I'm in my age of worry. And one of the lines there goes, "And worry, why should I care?"

So, I opened 2014 by literally singing that song (as if I don't sing non-stop every day). Being twenties probably is still hard for me, even until this very moment. Expectations running around your nose, my own idealistic expectations of myself, dreams about dream job and work-life, the cruel reality that media love to show every single second through Twitter, Facebook, TV, or whatever they are called, questions about the existence of love (Oh, probably not love, but romance. Yes, the existence of true romance), the guts of being in love and loved, the desire to be your-very-own-self while society spins like tornado erasing what you really are. See, so many stuffs running around inside the head of this girl in her early twenties producing hormones of worry. But, worry, why should I care?

Well, at last, I hope I am more prepared to face these other eleven months ahead. Resolutions are made. Some of them are simple, some I don't even know how to make it work. But, I can just give my heart and change my mind. I'm allowed to do it. I know I will still over-think, as I always did. But, let's make friends with what we are. I know it's still going to be bumpy ride on a long winding road and I'm still an amateur. But, let's just be an amateur truck driver who wants to soon let got his "amateur" title. Let's just live in the age worry, make good friend with it before finally say, "Worry, get out of here!"